Shame Exposed

When we dig up potatoes, we expose them and take a look at them, looking carefully to recognize the difference between the good ones and the bad ones.  That's what Welch is doing in this next chapter and it begins, ""I suck."  That's what shame says on a good day."

He then goes on to really look at shame, uncovering and putting words to identify the dehumanizing nature of shame.  Shame is a silent killer, has a death wish, worthless, failure seem to be inscribed on our birth certificates, shame says "you are not acceptable.  You are a mistake."  You hear that from others over the years until you make it your own, "I am not acceptable, I am a mistake" and so whenever something goes wrong you believe you are the one at fault, you brought the other person's anger/contempt, being hurt or rejected is your fault, being alive is your fault, being born is your fault, being is your fault. (p. 10)

Shame attaches itself to our humanness and is very common, often hiding in guilt's shadow.  There is a difference between guilt and shame and the Bible talks about shame (nakedness, dishonour, disgrace, defilement) about 10 times more than guilt.  Welch says Guilt lives in the courtroom, where you are responsible for your wrongdoing, and you expect punishment and need forgiveness.  However he describes Shame as living in the community although the community can feel like a courtroom.  The community says "You don't belong--you are unacceptable, unclean and disgraced.  The shamed person feels worthless, expects rejection and needs cleansing, fellowship, love and acceptance (emphasis mine).  It is only through the security of attachment to God/people that cleansing will come.

Welch says that in order to fight shame we first have to face shame and describe it.  "Once out, it will put up a fight.  But there is a path that actually leads away from shame and ends in acceptance and honour.  Otherwise, there would be no point in doing anything beyond trying to live with it." (p. 12)

So Welch continues to describe it by looking at some basics of shame:

• life-dominating and stubborn, squatting in your heart, refusing to leave
• you feel so wrong, but don't know why
• blame always seems to end up at your doorstep
• you still feel the shameful moment as vividly as the day it happened.  Sometimes it even feels worse
• sometimes shame grabs hold of your heart and life because of something that happened to you
• any sexual violation
• unfaithfulness/betrayal by a spouse/close friend/church community
• verbal abuse
• being treated like an object and so experiencing humiliation and shame
• growing up in a home with an insecure attachment -- parent angry, unpredictable, cold, neglectful, rejecting or demeaning
• adopted children can feel different even though adoptive parents love them dearly, they can still hear the message inside their heads, "you were rejected, somebody didn't want you, you are not like everyone else."
• if you're noticeably different - physically, intellectually, financially, mentally
• sometimes shame attaches to you because of what you did or do
• addiction
• homosexuality
• something scandalous according to your community
• victims of sexual violation often report perverted sexual imaginations 
• what do you want to hide?
• sometimes shame is the result of our associations
• something shameful happened in our family - suicide, poverty, public immorality
• you belong to a people group that committed atrocities

This exposing of shame is incredibly hard, but according to Welch since shame is/can be lethal we can't pussyfoot around it.  "Shame will never surrender its power over you if you are tentative about it.  You need to identify it and attack it with hope." (p. 17)

Therefore he summarizes what we know about it:

1. Shame is blended into the present human condition, it is part of being human.
2. Shame can be removed but not by something we do.  There is nothing we can do to get rid of it.  There is only one remedy that can change and transform and it is a journey to discover the remedy and let that remedy wash you all over.
3. Shame is best tackled in the context of relationship.  It is in the womb of attachment that we grow and mature.  Do not allow shame to intimidate you into silence.

"Shame Interrupted" by Ed Welch

This summer I am re-reading this book and so I thought I might post some of my gleanings.

I have experienced shame and in some ways it has been debilitating because I don't feel like talking to others about it, don't want to associate with people from where it originated, don't feel like they want me around.

When I read Welch's work, I recognize his definition for shame - a deep sense that I am unacceptable because of something I did, was done to me or that I was associated with something or someone that was shameful.  I feel exposed and humiliated.  I do not feel invited into someone's presence.  This is also what Gordon Neufeld describes as our primary need.

As humans we need to be attached to someone, to feel invited into their presence. God placed that need to be attached to Him in all of us and created families with parents as the responsible adults, to whom we look for direction to image that.  As long as we are attached to God/other humans, we have the freedom to mature.  Maturity is being adaptive -- we can change because we can't change things around us, it is the healing process and the way our brain normally develops. Maturity is also being integrative - being able to recognize and accept our separate feelings, like a plural whole.  This really reminds me of God as Trinity - 3 persons in one, together without losing their own separateness.  Attachment to God/other people is the secure place from which we mature and grow to be like Christ, grow to be responsible and compassionate people.

Shame breaks that maturation process, causing us to face separation.  When we face separation three powerful emotions are experienced -- frustration, alarm and pursuit of attachment.  Our brain shuts down to protect us which is often a good thing at first, but after awhile it causes us to become stuck there and we don't grow to be the people God/others want us to be.

So shame is real, shame makes you an outcast, shame makes you feel contaminated and shame needs to be put in words.  When we name it, claim it, take up a relationship with it, we can deal with it, work through it and hear God's healing Words.

I'll finish today with the opening words of chapter 2:

What is shame?

You are shunned.
Faces are turned away from you.
They ignore you, as if you don't exist.

You are naked.
Faces are turned toward you.
They stare at you, as if you are hideous.

You are worthless, and it's no secret.
You are of little or no value to those whose opinions matter to you.