He who answers before listening -- that is his folly and his shame.---Proverbs 18:13
Waiting patiently while others talk is a key listening skill. Without this skill, you will often fail to understand the root cause of a conflict, and you may complicate matters with inappropriate reactions.
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 166.
Food for Thought
How often are you thinking about what you're going to say while the other person is finishing what they're saying?
This is a hard one, right? But a little bit of discipline can go a long way in the listening department. One suggestion Ken makes is learning to be comfortable with silence. For example, the next time you jump in your car to go somewhere, resist the urge to turn on the radio. Roll down the window (unless it's winter!) and drive in silence. Whether it's two blocks or twenty-seven miles, drive in silence.
Silence… it's not the absence of sound, but the absence of noise. Take the noise away and you'll be amazed at what you can hear. It might be the song of mockingbirds. Or maybe the heart of a significant matter.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Please Break This Rule (reprinted with permission)
When our wrongs are too obvious to ignore, we practice what I call the 40/60 Rule. It goes something like this: "Well, I know I'm not perfect, and I admit I am partially to blame for this problem. I'd say that about 40 percent of the fault is mine. That means 60 percent of the fault is hers. Since she is 20 percent more to blame than I am, she should be the one to ask for forgiveness." I never actually say or think these exact words, but I often catch myself resorting to this tactic in subtle ways. By believing that my sins have been more than cancelled by another's sins, I can divert attention from myself and avoid repentance and confession.
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 120.
Food for Thought
Jesus tells the perfect "40/60 Rule" story in Luke 18:10-14. In this passage, Luke says that Jesus addresses the story to those "who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else." This is the story:
"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."
Next time you're tempted to invoke the 40/60 Rule to minimize your part in a conflict, remember that few subjects raise more disdain in Jesus than moderated mercy or a "righteousness ranking" where we give ourselves an unequivocal first place vote.
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 120.
Food for Thought
Jesus tells the perfect "40/60 Rule" story in Luke 18:10-14. In this passage, Luke says that Jesus addresses the story to those "who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else." This is the story:
"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."
Next time you're tempted to invoke the 40/60 Rule to minimize your part in a conflict, remember that few subjects raise more disdain in Jesus than moderated mercy or a "righteousness ranking" where we give ourselves an unequivocal first place vote.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth (reprinted with permission)
"Even a fool is thought wise…and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:28
Reckless words, spoken hastily and without thinking, inflame many conflicts. "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Prov. 12:18; cf. Prov. 13:3; 17:28; 21:23; 29:20). Although we may seldom set out deliberately to hurt others with our words, sometimes we do not make much of an effort not to hurt others. We simply say what comes to mind without thinking about the consequences. In the process, we may hurt and offend others, which only aggravates conflict.
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 121
Food for Thought
What have you said recently without thinking?
The word "reckless" usually conjures up images of someone driving a car with no concern for the people around them. A reckless driver can cause havoc on the highway, putting his or her life, as well as the lives of others, in harm's way. If we spot someone driving recklessly, we usually grab our cell phones and alert the police. But what about someone speaking recklessly?
Simply saying what comes to mind can be looked upon as being authentic and honest. People admire the plain-speak quality and often promote folks who can do it. But it can also be looked upon as not thinking, or reckless. The lives of the one speaking and those hearing then are caught in harm's way. And if you're caught in harm's way, the result is usually some kind of harm. Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.
Reckless words, spoken hastily and without thinking, inflame many conflicts. "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Prov. 12:18; cf. Prov. 13:3; 17:28; 21:23; 29:20). Although we may seldom set out deliberately to hurt others with our words, sometimes we do not make much of an effort not to hurt others. We simply say what comes to mind without thinking about the consequences. In the process, we may hurt and offend others, which only aggravates conflict.
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 121
Food for Thought
What have you said recently without thinking?
The word "reckless" usually conjures up images of someone driving a car with no concern for the people around them. A reckless driver can cause havoc on the highway, putting his or her life, as well as the lives of others, in harm's way. If we spot someone driving recklessly, we usually grab our cell phones and alert the police. But what about someone speaking recklessly?
Simply saying what comes to mind can be looked upon as being authentic and honest. People admire the plain-speak quality and often promote folks who can do it. But it can also be looked upon as not thinking, or reckless. The lives of the one speaking and those hearing then are caught in harm's way. And if you're caught in harm's way, the result is usually some kind of harm. Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
A Picture of Trust (reprinted with permission)
"Therefore we do not lose heart." 2 Cor. 4:16
Trusting God proved to be the pattern in Paul's life. Even when the Lord did not immediately relieve his sufferings, Paul continued to view everything that happened to him as God's sovereign will (2 Cor. 4:17-18). This doesn't mean that Paul never had doubts or that he never asked God to relieve his suffering (2 Cor. 12:7-8). But when the Lord's response did not match Paul's request, he was willing to believe that God had something better in mind (vv. 9-10).
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 67
Food for Thought
Think of the last time the Lord's response did not match your request.
What does trusting God look like? Ken reminds us that it doesn't mean wearing a painted on smile when troubles come and practicing the art of denial when doubts arise. Those verses in 2 Cor. 12 show the apostle Paul "pleading" for God to take the thorn in his flesh away. So, then what does trusting God look like? "But when the Lord's response did not match Paul's request, he was"--what's that next word? That's right--"willing."
Trusting looks like a willingness to believe in God's goodness toward us in the middle of pleadings and tears and sufferings and doubts and questions. Trusting is choosing to believe that God desires the best for us, his children. That's not always easy, but as Paul would attest, it's always worth it!
Trusting God proved to be the pattern in Paul's life. Even when the Lord did not immediately relieve his sufferings, Paul continued to view everything that happened to him as God's sovereign will (2 Cor. 4:17-18). This doesn't mean that Paul never had doubts or that he never asked God to relieve his suffering (2 Cor. 12:7-8). But when the Lord's response did not match Paul's request, he was willing to believe that God had something better in mind (vv. 9-10).
Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 67
Food for Thought
Think of the last time the Lord's response did not match your request.
What does trusting God look like? Ken reminds us that it doesn't mean wearing a painted on smile when troubles come and practicing the art of denial when doubts arise. Those verses in 2 Cor. 12 show the apostle Paul "pleading" for God to take the thorn in his flesh away. So, then what does trusting God look like? "But when the Lord's response did not match Paul's request, he was"--what's that next word? That's right--"willing."
Trusting looks like a willingness to believe in God's goodness toward us in the middle of pleadings and tears and sufferings and doubts and questions. Trusting is choosing to believe that God desires the best for us, his children. That's not always easy, but as Paul would attest, it's always worth it!
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