If, If, If... (taken from Peacemaker Ministries eletter by permission)

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other...Ephesians 4:32
The best way to ruin a confession is to use words that shift the blame to others or that appear to minimize or excuse your guilt. The most common way to do this is to say, "I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you." The word if ruins this confession, because it implies that you do not know whether or not you did wrong. The message you are communicating is this: "Obviously you're upset about something. I don't know that I have done anything wrong, but just to get you off my back I'll give you a token apology."

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflictby Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 127

Food for Thought

How often does if show up in your confessions?
A great way to ruin your engine on your car? Never, ever change the oil. A sure-fire way to ruin your credit rating? Never, ever pay your bills on time. What about ruining your reputation at work? Never, ever keep your appointments. And the best way to ruin a confession? Each and every time, use the word "if."
Ken reminds us of the power of this little two-letter word. Too many times, it leads to an empty confession. All the words may be right and proper (I'm sorry), but the heart is missing. And anything without a heart is usually dead, good for nothing. The word "confess" means "to agree with" -- you're agreeing that you've done something wrong. If you're not ready to agree, then don't confess. Because that ruins everything.

Even When... God Is... (taken from Peacemaker Ministries eletter)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Certainly, God takes no pleasure in what is hurtful (Ezek. 33:11), and he is never the author of sin (James 1:13-14; I John 1:5). Yet, for his eternal purposes, he sometimes allows suffering and permits unjust acts by men and women whom he decides not to restrain, even though he has the power to do so… Even when sinful and painful things are happening, God is somehow exercising ultimate control and working things out for his good purposes.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 61

Food for Thought

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”


From war and rumors of wars, to politics and politicians, to road rage and playground rage, it is tempting to bow our heads in despair. Hate is strong. The song of peace is mocked. But even when it sounds as if there is no peace, you and I must remember the deeper, truer song of His word. God is in control. And He is working for his good purposes.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1864

Meeting Your Enemy's Deepest Needs

The final principle for responding to a stubborn opponent is described in Romans 12:20-21: "On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Here is the ultimate weapon: deliberate, focused love (cf. Luke 6:27-28; 1 Cor. 13:4-7). Instead of reacting spitefully to those who mistreat you, Jesus wants you to discern their deepest needs and do all you can to meet those needs. Sometimes this will require going to them to show them their faults. At other times there may be a need for mercy and compassion, patience, and words of encouragement. You may even have opportunities to provide material and financial assistance to those who least deserve it or expect it from you.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 253-254

Food for Thought

TV, radio, newspapers--all are overflowing this week with advertisements for "the perfect gift for the one you love this holiday season." But according to Jesus, Christmas is only truly Christmas if our hearts are yearning to give the perfect gift... to our enemies:

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked" (Lk. 6:32-35).

After all, at Christmas, God gave the perfect gift--his son, Jesus--to his enemies--namely, us! So make it a point this Christmas to imitate God by meeting your enemy's deepest need.

Confession Can Resurrect Dead Relationships

This week we wanted to deviate a bit from our normal PeaceMeal routine in order to share a testimony with you from Becky, who recently attended some training in peacemaking:

Due to long-time alcoholism in our family, relationships have been strained for 25 years. I've tried to keep communication open, but the strains have remained. After your weekend teaching, however, I decided to visit my mother immediately. What the Lord did is truly a miracle!
There was a sense of urgency, knowing I wasn't going to be there long. While sitting with my ailing 86-year-old mother, I was able to acknowledge my awareness of relationship strain for many years, and to ask her to tell me what she sees as my contribution to it so that I might make it right.

After her shock subsided, she proceeded to tell me! In the past she railed at me for any number of things and didn't allow dialogue, resulting in my being hurt and learning to clam up. So I'd learned to keep it superficial and not "rock the boat." This time, however, after I asked the question, her reply was so different. She included specifics (almost a life-time's worth!) but we were able to discuss them, including some for which I was responsible and able to ask her forgiveness.

But it didn't stop there. Throughout that day and the next, she asked questions: "What is the gospel?" "What will happen when I die?" "What is grace?" "I've made so many mistakes, how can you be sure you'll be in heaven?" When my brother arrived at 7am Wednesday to take me to the airport, he found my mom and me crying together as she told me she didn't want me to leave. I've never heard her say that before! She's called twice in the 12 days since I've been home, after not calling me once in the previous several years! I had a similar conversation with my brother on the way to the airport, and he and I were also reconciled. What a gracious God we have!

Food for Thought

Do you have any relationships like Becky's? We hope you will be inspired by Becky’s example, especially during the holiday season when you may bump into relatives or old friends who may be estranged from both you and God. Instead of pretending everything’s OK, why not admit that something is not right between you, and some of it is your fault.

As you humble yourself, listen to their concerns, and confess your past wrongs, the Lord may soften others’ hearts as he did Becky’s mother and brother, and open the way for you to share what Christmas is really about … God reconciling people to each other and to himself through his dearly loved Son.

Empty Gifts

"…forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Eph. 4:32

I could see the weariness in his face. "I'm sure both of you are in terrible pain, Rick. But I don't think divorce is going to end it. You'll just trade one kind of pain for another. There is a way to keep your marriage together and to truly put the past behind you. But you won't find it with the empty forgiveness you've offered Pam."

"What do you mean, 'empty forgiveness'?"

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 202

Food for Thought
Does your forgiveness promise a lot but deliver a little?

"Black Friday" and "Cyber Monday" are both in the past, and many of us have gotten a jump on our Christmas shopping. Now that you've worked so hard to find a gift for a loved one, would you neglect to actually include it in the box when you give it to him or her?

Empty forgiveness. What if we confessed a serious sin to God and He said, "I forgive you…but I can't be close to you, ever again?" We'd probably have a very strong reaction to that, countering with something like, "Well, that's just empty forgiveness!" And it is. It's not how God acts. But that's how we act sometimes.

Consider for a moment those times this past year where it looked like you gave the gift of forgiveness; however, once the person opened it, they found the box was empty. For whatever reason(s), you've withheld intimacy or friendship, and you've just traded one kind of pain for another. As you head into the Christmas season, make sure the gift of forgiveness is more than a bright covering of wrapping and bows with nothing inside. Instead, by God's grace, make your gifts jam-packed with true forgiveness, modeling the forgiveness that you have received from God in Christ (Eph. 4:32).

Give Thanks... For CONFLICT???

As usual, Paul [in Philippians 4:2-9] urges us to be God-centered in our approach to conflict. Moreover, he wants us to be joyfully God-centered. Realizing we may skip over this point, Paul repeats it: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" What on earth is there to rejoice about when you are involved in a dispute? If you open your eyes and think about God's lavish goodness to you, here is the kind of worship you could offer to him, even in the midst of the worst conflict!

O Lord, you are so amazingly good to me! You sent your only Son to die for my sins, including those I have committed in this conflict. Because of Jesus I am forgiven, and my name is written in the Book of Life! You do not treat me as I deserve, but you are patient, kind, gentle, and forgiving with me. Please help me to do the same to others.

In your great mercy, you are also kind to my opponent. Although he has wronged me repeatedly, you hold out your forgiveness to him as you do to me. Even if he and I never reconcile in this life, which I still hope we will, you have already done the work to reconcile us forever in heaven. This conflict is so insignificant compared to the wonderful hope we have in you!

This conflict is so small compared to the many other things you are watching over at this moment, yet you still want to walk beside me as I seek to resolve it. Why would you stoop down to pay such attention to me? It is too wonderful for me to understand. You are extravagant in your gifts to me. You offer me the comfort of your Spirit, the wisdom of your Word, and the support of your church. Forgive me for neglecting these powerful treasures until now, and help me to use them to please and honor you.

I rejoice that these same resources are available to my opponent. Please enable us to draw on them together so that we see our own sins, remember the gospel, find common ground in the light of your truth, come to one mind with you and each other, and restore peace and unity between us.

Finally, Lord, I rejoice that this conflict has not happened by accident. You are sovereign and good, so I know that you are working through this situation for your glory and my good. No matter what my opponent does, you are working to conform me to the likeness of your Son. Please help me cooperate with you in every possible way and give you glory for what you have done and are doing.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 84-85

Food for Thought
When you are gathered around the Thanksgiving dinner table this week, instead of giving thanks in spite of the present conflicts in your life...give thanks for those conflicts! Pray the above prayer, substituting the names of those from whom you are estranged each time the prayer reads, "my opponent." Does this change your view of the conflict? Of God's role in it? Of your opponent? Of what it means to give thanks?

Taking a "Leaf-Raking Break"

If you look for something bad in another person, you will usually be able to find it. On the other hand, if you look for what is good, you are likely to find that too--and then more and more that is good.As you regain a more balanced view of the other person, you will often find it easier to overlook minor offenses. I have experienced this process many times in my marriage. One day Corlette said something that really hurt me. I don't remember what she said, but I remember going out into the back yard a few minutes later to rake leaves. The more I dwelt on her words, the more deeply I slid into self-pity and resentment. I was steadily building up steam to go back into the house and let her know how wrong she was. But then God brought Philippians 4:8 to my mind.
Ha! I thought. There's nothing noble, right, or lovely about the way she's treating me! But the Holy Spirit wouldn't give up. The verse would not go away; it kept echoing in my mind. Finally, to get God off my back, I grudgingly conceded that Corlette is a good cook. This small concession opened the door to a stream of thoughts about my wife's good qualities. I recalled that she keeps a beautiful home and practices wonderful hospitality. She has always been kind toward my family, and she never missed an opportunity to share the gospel with my father (who eventually put his trust in Christ just two hours before he died). I realized that Corlette has always been pure and faithful, and I remembered how much she supports me through difficult times in my work. Every chance she gets, she attends the seminars I teach and sits smiling and supportive through hours of the same material (always saying she has learned something new). She is a marvelous counselor and has helped hundreds of children. And she even took up backpacking because she knew I loved it! I realized that the list of her virtues could go on and on.
Within minutes my attitude toward her was turned upside down. I saw her offensive comment for what it was--a momentary and insignificant flaw in an otherwise wonderful person. I dropped my rake and went inside, but not to unload a storm of resentment and criticism. To her surprise, I walked in, gave her a big hug, and told her how glad I was to be married to her. The conversation that followed led quickly to a warm reconciliation.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 112-113

Food for Thought

Fall is here, and many of us will find ourselves busy raking leaves in the coming weeks. Have you ever had a leaf-raking experience like the one Ken describes above? Keep in mind that even without a rake in your hand, you can take a "leaf-raking break" and apply Philippians 4:8 to your relationships.Pause to call to mind the MOST strained, cool, or distant relationship in your life today--even if it's only a minor spat. Then work to develop a list of at least three characteristics about the other person in the conflict that are noble, right, or lovely. Now, as the Apostle Paul counsels in Philippians 4:8, take a "leaf-raking break" from your regular routine to "think on these things." How might your approach to the present conflict change by putting the apostle's advice into action?

Keeping Your Focus on the Lord

One of the best ways to keep your focus on the Lord is to continually ask yourself these questions: How can I please and honor God in this situation? In particular, how can I bring praise to Jesus by showing that he has saved me and is changing me? Seeking to please and honor God is a powerful compass for life, especially when we are faced with difficult challenges. Jesus himself was guided by these goals. He said, "I seek not to please myself but him who sent me" (John 5:30). "The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him" (John 8:29). "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do" (John 17:4). King David showed the same desire when he wrote: "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer" (Ps. 19:14).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 34

Food for Thought

What difficult situation do you face today?In this situation, is displaying the riches of God's love and pleasing him more important than holding onto worldly things and pleasing yourself? If so, it becomes increasingly natural to respond to conflict graciously, wisely, and with self-control. This approach brings glory to God and sets the stage for effective peacemaking.Pray that this "powerful compass for life"--pleasing and honoring God--would guide your heart and mind today.

Overcome Evil with Good

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

Peacemaking does not always go as easily as we would like it to. Although some people will readily make peace, others will be stubborn and defensive and resist our efforts to be reconciled. Sometimes they will become even more antagonistic and find new ways to frustrate or mistreat us. Our natural reaction is to strike back at such people, or at least to stop doing anything good to them. However, Jesus calls us to take a remarkably different course of action: "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ... Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6:27-28, 35-36).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 247

Food for Thought

Think about someone who could be described by one of the following:

• Your enemy

• Someone who hates you

• Someone who curses you

• Someone who mistreats you

Maybe someone pops right to mind. Or maybe it's a little hard to identify one (though "someone who mistreats you" is quite a one-size-fits-all descriptor of a person who make your life difficult). But in each case, Jesus has called us to this "remarkably different course of action." He calls us to love, do good, bless, and pray. But in our own strength, this command is impossible to obey. Pray that God would give you a special measure of grace today to overcome evil with good, even when it seems the most difficult thing in the world to actually do.

The Peacemaker's Harvest

When someone has wronged you, it is also helpful to remember that God is sovereign and loving. Therefore, when you are having a hard time forgiving that person, take time to note how God may be using the offense for good. Is this an unusual opportunity to glorify God? How can you serve others and help them grow in their faith? What sins and weaknesses of yours are being exposed for the sake of your growth? What character qualities are you being challenged to exercise? When you perceive that the person who has wronged you is being used as an instrument in God's hand to help you mature, serve others, and glorify him, it may be easier for you to move ahead with forgiveness.

(Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 216)

Food for Thought

Conflict, along with trials, suffering, loss, and other hardships, can be what God uses to bring the most good in our own lives or in the lives of those around us. It's often the most painful events of life that bring the biggest harvest.
Harvest is a prominent topic at this time of year. Here in Montana, the sugar beet and wheat harvest is taking place, and by all reports, this year will bring a good harvest. The hard work of tilling, planting, and watering through the year is finally coming to a fruitful end. In the same way, God brings us through the times of conflict, trial, or suffering that can bring a great harvest. Yes, it's work; often it involves hours (or months) of tears, heartache, and discipline, but the ultimate reward is one of becoming more like Christ. In these situations, God gives us opportunities to glorify him, to serve others, to be a part of what he is doing, and even to receive personal reward. Yet in our stubbornness, our refusal to forgive, or our demand to be right or vindicated, we fail to seize those opportunities. We miss the very harvest for which we've toiled.
The sowing, the tending, and the harvest all depend on each other--one could not happen without the other. But we are promised that "Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness" (James 3:18). May your harvest be a great one as you sow peace in the midst of the conflicts you face.

Sometimes Our Sinful Desires May Be the Least of Our Worries!

It is important to emphasize the fact that idols can arise from good desires as well as wicked desires. It is often not what we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate sexual relationship with his wife or for a mother to want to stay at home with a newborn baby. Nor is it wrong for an employer to want diligent workers or for a pastor to desire respect from his deacons. These are good desires, but if they turn into demands that must be met in order for us to be satisfied and fulfilled, they can lead to bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a family, business, or church.
How can you discern when a good desire might be turning into a sinful demand? You can begin by prayerfully asking yourself "X-ray" questions that reveal the true condition of your heart.

• What am I preoccupied with? What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night?
• How would I answer the question: "If only ______, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure"?
• What do I want to preserve or to avoid at all costs?
• Where do I put my trust?
• What do I fear?
• When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
• Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) pp. 104-5

Food for Thought

What was the first thing on your mind this morning? How about the last thing on your mind last night? Is there a good desire in your life that's beginning to becoming a recurring thought pattern for you? As you consider this, remember the good news: God has ultimately satisfied that particular "good desire" through his Son. What remains is for us to trust and, through his grace, receive God's eye-opening insight into the ways in which we are beginning to trust, fear, or dwell on something other than God himself. Spend time today in prayer to ask God to reveal areas of your life where you might be elevating a good desire into a sinful demand.

Teachers' Convention

Last week I gave a workshop at the CRTA convention and really enjoyed that. It was so good to be back among teachers and hear about the students. My heart still goes out to the students who are struggling to find their place and think they have no one to talk to who might understand. I continually pray that God will use others to be that connection for students and others that they may feel safe enough to share their issues. By sharing we can carry each others burdens and the burdens then become easier to carry.

What Jesus Desires in His Followers

"My prayer is not for [my disciples] alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." (John 17:20-23, emphasis added )

Jesus prayed these words during the final hours of his life. As death drew near, the Lord focused on a single concept he knew to be of paramount importance for all those who would believe in him. He did not pray that his followers would always be happy, that they would never suffer, or that their rights would always be defended. Jesus prayed that his followers would get along with one another. This was so important to him that he tied his reputation and the credibility of his message to how well his followers would display unity and oneness.

(Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 48)

Food for Thought

Read Jesus' prayer once more and think about how important unity is to him. Is it equally important to you? How can you demonstrate this unity in your own life today? In your family? At work? In your church? How might the world see that God sent his Son by the way you relate to those around you? Pray that God through his Holy Spirit will strengthen and sustain you to glorify God, serve others, and grow to be like Christ in the crucible of conflict.

What Forgiveness is NOT

To understand what forgiveness is, we must first see what it is not. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will. Forgiveness involves a series of decisions, the first of which is to call on God to change our hearts. As he gives us grace, we must then decide (with our will) not to think or talk about what someone has done to hurt us. God calls us to make these decisions regardless of our feelings--but these decisions can lead to remarkable changes in our feelings.

Second, forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process in which a matter fades from memory merely with the passing of time. Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. To put it another way, when God says that he "remembers your sins no more" (Isa. 43:25), he is not saying that he cannot remember our sins. Rather, he is promising that he will not remember them. When he forgives us, he chooses not to mention, recount, or think about our sins ever again. Similarly, when we forgive, we must draw on God's grace and consciously decide not to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us. This may require a lot of effort, especially when an offense is still fresh in mind. Fortunately, when we decide to forgive someone and stop dwelling on an offense, painful memories usually begin to fade.

Finally, forgiveness is not excusing. Excusing says, "That's okay," and implies, "What you did wasn't really wrong," or "You couldn't help it." Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed and granted indicates that what someone did was wrong and inexcusable. Forgiveness says, "We both know that what you did was wrong and without excuse. But since God has forgiven me, I forgive you." Because forgiveness deals honestly with sin, it brings a freedom that no amount of excusing could ever hope to provide.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) pp. 206-207

Food for Thought

Praise God for his gracious gift of forgiveness to us! The Scripture says "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Eph. 4:32, emphasis added) You will probably have an opportunity to extend forgiveness this week. When you do, try to remember what forgiveness is not, and fix your eyes on the full and gracious forgiveness that God has given you in Jesus Christ.

Staying Grounded

God opposes the proud but give grace to the humble. James 4:6

When you need to show others their faults, do not talk down to them as though you are faultless and they are inferior to you. Instead, talk with them as though you are standing side by side at the foot of the cross. Acknowledge your present, ongoing need for the Savior. Admit ways that you have wrestled with the same or other sins or weaknesses, and give hope by describing how God has forgiven you and is currently working in you to help you change... When people see this kind of humility and common bond, they will be less inclined to react to correction with pride and defensiveness.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 172

Food for Thought

Count the words you and your in the paragraph above.

How many did you count? Nine? If there had been one or two uses of the words you and your, it probably wouldn't have drawn any attention. But nine? That's enough where we need to stop, look, and listen. Ken is wisely sharing a beneficial approach to use when we need to show others their faults: talk about your own.

From our peers in the office to aging parents to the children at play in the backyard, nobody likes to be talked down to--nobody! Talking down usually invites a defensiveness that's hard to overcome. Side by side talking, however, lays a common ground that you and the other person can stand on. Interestingly enough, the root word for humility is humus, from which we get our word for ground. Being grounded, or humble, in our approach to these situations provides protection from the lightning bolts of pride and defensiveness.

Living Out Matthew 18

When Christians think about talking to someone else about a conflict, one of the first verses that comes to mind is Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." If this verse is read in isolation, it seems to teach that we must always use direct confrontation to force others to admit they have sinned. If the verse is read in context, however, we see that Jesus had something much more flexible and beneficial in mind than simply standing toe to toe with others and describing their sins.

Just before this passage, we find Jesus' wonderful metaphor of a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt. 18:12-14). Thus, Matthew 18:15 is introduced with a theme of restoration, not condemnation. Jesus repeats this theme just after telling us to "go and show him his fault" by adding, "If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." And then he hits the restoration theme a third time in verses 21-35, where he uses the parable of the unmerciful servant to remind us to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt. 18:21-35).

(Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 144)

Food for Thought


Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of their wrongs. He wants us to remember and imitate his shepherd love for us--seeking after others, helping them turn from sin, and helping them be restored to God and those they have offended. Have you ever heard others in a conflict say, "We followed the Matthew 18 process"? Have you said it yourself? Read all of Matthew 18 and ask the Lord to give you the heart of a shepherd who seeks and gently restores the lost sheep.

Gentle Correction

Last week's issue of PeaceMeal focused on relying on God's grace when you need to make a confession in the midst of conflict. If it is difficult for you to identify and confess your wrongs, there are two things you can do. First, ask God to help you see your sin clearly and repent of it, regardless of what others may do (Ps. 139:23-24). Then prayerfully study his Word and ask him to show you where your ways have not lined up with his ways (Heb. 4:12). Second, ask a spiritually mature friend to counsel and correct you (Prov. 12:15; 19:20).


(Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 120)

Food for Thought:
For some of you, it may feel more difficult to follow the second piece of the advice above. If so, reflect on this additional quote from The Peacemaker:
"The older I get, the less I trust myself to be objective when I am involved in a conflict. Time after time I have been blessed by asking a friend to candidly critique my role in a conflict. I have not always liked what my friends have said, but as I have humbled myself and submitted to their correction, I have always seen things more clearly."
May the Lord show you someone in your life who loves you enough to gently correct you.

Peacemeal

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More Than Words

The tongue has the power of life and death... Proverbs 18:21

Words play a key role in almost every conflict. When used properly, words promote understanding and encourage agreement. When misused, they usually aggravate conflicts and drive people further apart. If your words seem to do more harm than good when you try to resolve a disagreement, don't give up. With God's help you can improve your ability to communicate constructively.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 162

Food for Thought

The power of life and death is at the tips of our tongues.

Words play a key role in almost every conflict. Other factors come into play, but Ken reminds us of one that's almost always there--words. Words often get a conflict started and just as often, it's words that keep it going. But with God's help, words can also bring resolution, closure, and peace to a conflict.

In Luke 9, we're told the story of an argument that got started between, of all people, the disciples. The reason? They were conflicted over who would be the greatest in the group. We can only imagine what kinds of words were exchanged between these closest to Christ. But Jesus could read the moment and their hearts. So he took a child and spoke words: For he who is least among you all--he is the greatest. Jesus gives us an example of the proper use of words to bring understanding... and peace. He desires us to follow His lead and He promises his ever-abiding presence to guide us in choosing our words wisely.

Peacemaker

Well, I have finally finished summarizing the first chapter of "The Peacemaker" by Ken Sande, so check out the rest of that page. I find that no matter how many times I read this book there are still new things that I learn and realize how much I still have to learn and build into my life. Well, I know these things don't happen overnight, neither will I be perfect on this earth. May we all be encouraged to hold onto God's grace and truth and continue to grow to be like Christ.

Francis Chan

I just finished listening to a video link that one of my family sent me and I found it very thought provoking. Maybe more of you would like to watch it http://youtu.be/pBhqrtMqrv8 and share your comments. Apparently he has a book out "Crazy Love" which I would like to read sometime. Have any of you read this book? What do you think?

The Peacemaker

I have finished the book "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver and I would recommend this book as a great book to have in our personal libraries. This is a good book to help us truly look at ourselves and ask God to change us from the inside out so that we might Glorify Him in all situations.

To go along with this book I would like to share my summary of the book "The Peacemaker" by Ken Sande so I have added a page to do this. This will probably take many weeks so I hope you may join me in working to make these Biblical principles a regular part of our lives. Please feel free to comment or discuss any points I have made whether through this blogspot or email me directly. I would love to hear from you.

Flesh Woman

Well, it's been a few days since my last post, but here I am again.
I've just started reading a new book "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver and I'm reading about what she describes as the Flesh Woman. She equates this with the person inside of us who represents our sinful flesh. The Bible tells us that there are three things we fight against on this earth: the world, the devil and our own flesh. Weaver has given a name to our flesh by calling it our Flesh Woman. I think she makes a good point here and it is good for us to recognize what our own Flesh Woman looks like. We all know we are rebellious and hardwired to sin but this description brings it home. On page 28 she profiles the Flesh woman having 11 characteristics: a prideful spirit, a love of praise, a touchy temper, a willful attitude, a fearful heart, a jealous mind, a dishonest disposition, a lack of faith, a wandering eye, a spiritual deadness, and a love of self. Hmmm, a lot of ticks I can put beside this list. But I also really liked the verse she wrote at the end:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart... see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (my bolding) Let's continue to look to God and what He has already done for us, asking for His Holy Spirit to work in us that we may live for Him.

Love and Respect

Hi Everyone,
I haven't had any comments lately but it is time to add something again. We have just thoroughly enjoyed a great weekend with our children and grandchildren, getting to know them, connecting with them again. God has blessed us with a great family and so often we take this for granted. As humans we often take the people in our lives for granted but God has placed them there for many different reasons.
I have been reading a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's a book about marriage based on Ephesians 5:33, "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (underlining mine) From this book I have learned a lot, not only about marriage but about many things of life. My favourite part was the unpacking of Ephesians 6:7-8 "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does." Remembering that everything we do is done to Glorify God, is really important. It's not about me, my spouse, my children...., it's about God!
Don't let me play the victim card LORD, but let me look to You and find my strength in You.

Last questions from League Day

Good morning. The rains have returned here in the Carman, MB area. It feels like we get a tiny glimpse of what it was like for the family of Noah as they watched the flood waters rise. Thankfully we know God will never send a worldwide flood again, but those who are affected by this water in MB are really struggling, wondering what they will do next. Faith is definitely being tested and we pray that all God's children may find the strength to continue to trust, obey, imitate and acknowledge God in all this.

In this post I would like to look at the last group of questions people brought forward at our Women's League Day back in May.

1. Is one of the largest challenges with being an attachment church our size? We can't know everyone or be truly connected with each family. Should we have a close personal relationship with everyone, or should we work with a smaller circle and watch our for the ones who are left out? Is standing in a circle after church a good ritual, or are we showing that it is tight and no one can come in?

Having a large church can be a challenge in building connections but building connections is something we need to do as part of our thankfulness, using the fruit of the Spirit. Starting with a small group is good, making solid connections with a few but then don't be afraid to invite a family over for coffee or tea, someone you have never visited with before. Begin by practicing each Sunday to say a few words to the person walking out of church beside you, then picking up the phone and inviting them for coffee. Circles after church are good rituals but try to make your circles open, flowing, moving so that the people in them change or use your circle to envelop someone who is outside. Look for the people who leave church immediately after the worship service. This is where ushers could be useful in noticing and slowing these people down so that others get a chance to catch them. If you're a "shy" person, start small but try to force yourself to say a few words to one person each Sunday. God will be with us when we reach out to others in love.

2. Is forgiveness required even when it is not asked for or the person is NOT repentant of their actions?

I am going to quote from The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, pages 210-211:
Ideally repentance should precede forgiveness, Luke 17:3. Minor offenses can be overlooked but if the offense is too serious to overlook you may need to approach forgiveness as a 2-stage process. 1. Having an attitude of forgiveness - an unconditional commitment you make to God (see Mark 11:25; Luke 6:28; Acts 7:60). By His grace, you seek to maintain a loving and merciful attitude toward someone who has offended you. This requires making and living out the first promise of forgiveness, which means you will not dwell on the hurtful incident or seek vengeance or retribution in thought, word, or action. Instead, you pray for the other person and stand ready at any moment to pursue complete reconciliation as soon as he or she repents. This attitude will protect you from bitterness and resentment, even if the other person takes a long time to repent. 2. Granting forgiveness - conditional on the repentance of the offender and takes place between you and that person (Luke 17:3-4). It is a commitment to make the other 3 promises of forgiveness to the offender. Where there has been a serious offense, it would not be appropriate to make these promises until the offender has repented. Until then, you may need to talk with the offender about his sin or seek the involvement of others to resolve the matter. You could not do this if you had already made the last 3 promises. But once the other person repents, you can make these promises, closing the matter forever, the same way God forgives you.

Living a life of love for others and knowing the right thing to do at the right time is very difficult and we must remember we cannot do any of this in our own strength. We need God's help and guidance to come in and change our hearts so that we may truly forgive others. To Hm be the Glory!!

More questions from League Day

Good morning. It's not raining here and things are slowly drying up so it really is a good morning that God has given us. There are still a few questions from League Day which I would like to begin a discussion on. I am grouping a few of them together. Feel free to comment on anything I say.

1. Has the me-society which also becomes evident in the church make it harder to become attached to the church community? Love: God, others, yourself. What about the order: yourself, others, God? If you don't love yourself you cannot love others or God? Can we love our neighbour before loving ourselves? How can we love our neighbour if we cannot love ourselves?

To answer this question I looked to Don Matzat in his book "Christ-Esteem", where he writes, "While modern man wants to believe that he is good, worthwhile, valuable human being, he cannot escape the emptiness and meaninglessness of his own existence. In spite of all the self-help books and the media blitz attempting to convince him that he should feel good about himself and maintain a positive image of himself, our society is faced with an epidemic of drugs, alcohol, and suicide." When we put ourselves first and work to love ourselves it just can't happen, since we are broken sinners. It is only when we put God first and "open our eyes to the reality that, in addition to being our righteousness, Jesus Christ is also our identity, our life, our fulfillment, our pride, our hope, our peace, our joy, and our ultimate worth" (Matzat, p. 31). It is only through Christ/God that we can love ourselves, therefore the order has to be God, others, self as laid out in Mt 22:37.

Women's League Day May 18, 2011

I would like to begin with a comment that was brought forward and which is so necessary to keep in mind:
"There were some excellent ideas of things we can and should do. However, we are sinners and come short in all our attempts. Therefore, it is of vital importance that we daily pray for guidance and strength to be of help to others."
This comment is so very true and as I attempt to answer a few more questions brought forward on this day, putting a few together, we must truly keep this in mind.

1. Making connections
a. Why are there those who don't feel safe in the church, or don't have a desire to be near His people? Is this always sin on the part of the person, or on the part of the church community, or both? Is it possible for someone to be "unattached" simply because of their makeup? Not because of some external trauma or event? Something to do with election (do I dare say that)?

One thing we have to remember is that we all have a makeup of being sinful people in rebellion against God. Don Matzat in "Christ Esteem", describes this very well in that our first inclination is always to rebel, we don't want to go to church, we don't want to be with His people. It is only God through His mercy and grace that brings us to the point that we do go to church, be with His people. That doesn't mean we are not responsible for our rebellious attitude and there are times when people will not come to God's church because they are not elect. However that doesn't let us off the hook so that we don't reach out to others. Sometimes it was our words that caused a sensitive person to feel unloved, or judged and they stop coming to church. We are responsible for our words just as the other person is responsible for their response.

b. So how do we convince someone that although they have been mistreated by the church or church members in the past that doesn't mean everyone will treat them the same? How can we connect with those members who constantly keep their distance? Often these are the same people who complain about not feeling welcome.

Trust has been broken, how do we gain it back? Please keep the 3 legs of the stool in mind: trust, emotional availability and sensitive response. Reach out to these hurting people, who have put up fences of protection, and be there for them. One step at a time: a visit over coffee to show you can be trusted not to talk about them behind their back, just accept what they have to say without trying to "fix-it" because that often feels like judgment. "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God" Rom 15:7. Keep the 4 G's of Biblical Peacemaking in mind: Glorify God, Get the Log Out of your Own Eye, Go and Be Reconciled, and Gently Restore.
LISTEN!!

Welcome

Welcome to my new blogspot. I hope that you may all use it to get to know me and post questions for me to answer or others to contribute their answers.

I have a BA Social Sciences from the University of Western Ontario, London, ON, BEd from University of Winnipeg, MB, and MA Counseling from Providence Theological Seminary.

With my experience in teaching elementary and high school, I have a good understanding of the field of education and have a heart for all students with their very real concerns and issues. I would also like to come alongside women of all ages with issues such as depression, children, or staying emotionally involved in their relationships. However I am not limited to these two areas of counseling.

I bring to counseling my life experience, integrating my Christian theological, psychological and educational backgrounds by using attachment, cognitive behavioural and emotionally focused therapy under the umbrella of Biblical Peacemaking.