At Least As Good As Before (reprinted with permission)

Being reconciled does not mean that the person who offended you must now become your closest friend. What it means is that your relationship will be at least as good as it was before the offense occurred. Once that happens, an even better relationship may develop. As God helps you and the other person work through your differences, you may discover a growing respect and appreciation for each other. Moreover, you may uncover common interests and goals that will add a deeper and richer dimension to your friendship.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 219

Food for Thought

When a relationship has been seriously damaged because one person violated another's trust or deeply hurt the other person, how can that relationship be made "at least as good as it was before?"

The first step is to note that biblical reconciliation is not an effort by both parties to "make things exactly as they were before." Clearly, things can never be the same again. However, for Christians, while the relationship will indeed be different on the other side of the offense, it can, by God's grace, be "at least as good"--if not better.

While the repentance of the offending party is key in the reconciliation process, much of the "difference that makes better" does not come from the offending party's repentance at all; in fact, it cannot. To look to the offending party for the fullness of reconciliation can only lead to grossly failed expectations at best and idolatry at worst (as we look for a person to do something that only God can do). Arguably, the most important move in reconciliation is when the offended party moves more deeply toward God and the cross of Christ.

When we, as offended parties, move toward the cross, our view of ourselves changes. Instead of seeing ourselves primarily as offended parties, we come to see ourselves as ones who have offended infinitely but been forgiven infinitely. Out of this identity, we find the resources to imitate God by offering rich and lavish forgiveness to those whose repentance (like ours to God) is weak, feeble, and woefully inadequate.

Universal Idols (reprinted with permission)

"Dear children, keep yourselves from idols." 1 John 5:21

Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshiped by pagan people. But the concept of idolatry is much broader and far more personal than that. An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. In biblical terms, it is something other than God that we set our heart on ... in short, it is something we love and pursue more than God (see Phil. 3:19).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 104

Food for Thought

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When was the last time you heard a pull-out-the-stops sermon on idols? How about a straight-up-tell-it-like-it-is book on personal idols? What about a conversation over coffee that kinda-sorta-talked about idols? Maybe every once in a while, but for the most part, we don't like to talk about idols. As Ken reminds us, they are always something very personal.

The Food For Thought line above usually has a question of some sort to prompt reflection. This time it has nothing but question marks -- four to be exact. Allow those four question marks to raise this question, "What are four things, besides God, that your heart is set on?" In other words, take time and identify four idols in your life. Not your spouse's life, or your co-worker's, or your neighbor's. Your life. Your idols. What are you depending on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure?

Evil Has A Name (reprinted with permission)

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8)

Satan prefers that we do not recognize his role in our conflicts. As long as we see other people as our only adversaries and focus our attacks on them, we will give no thought to guarding against our most dangerous enemy. Both James and Peter were aware of this danger, and they warn us to actively resist Satan's schemes (James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:9). Paul gives a similar warning, reminding us that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph. 6:12).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) pp. 50-51

Food for Thought

"There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight."-- C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Who is your most dangerous enemy?

Think about it for a moment. What would you say? Odds are that among both non-Christians and Christians, most of us would answer in terms of flesh and blood; in other words, someone or some group of people. But as Ken reminds us, that's just not the case. Three scriptural authors -- Peter, James and Paul -- all echo the reality that our most dangerous enemy in this life is Satan.

There is an enemy out there and we're basically oblivious to his schemes - we're asleep at the wheel. We just keep on blaming each one another, a.k.a., flesh and blood, for everything that's going on. Ken says it well: Satan prefers that we do not recognize his role in our conflicts.

If we have any intention of living as peacemakers, it's imperative that we live with an awareness of our most dangerous enemy. Now it is true that most of our struggle comes through flesh and blood, but we've got to be self-controlled and alert, remembering that it's not ultimately against flesh and blood that we battle.

The Indirect Approach (Football Style) (reprinted with permission)

"I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves." Matt. 10:16

We should also note that Scripture provides numerous favorable examples of approaching others indirectly instead of bluntly describing their wrongs. Jesus did not directly confront the Samaritan woman at the well about living in adultery. Instead, he approached the issue indirectly by using questions and assessing her own life (John 4:1-18). Jesus frequently used parables and stories as roundabout ways to help people see their sins (see, e.g., Matt. 21:33-45; Luke 15)…As these and many similar passages indicate, we need to let go of the idea that showing someone his fault always requires direct confrontation.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 145

Food for Thought

What role does shrewdness play in your peacemaking?

For you football fans out there, you probably enjoyed the Super Bowl this past Sunday -- an exciting ending to be sure. It is an exhilarating experience to watch a finely tuned football team play. The finesse and intricacy of some plays is simply beautiful. And more importantly, effective. But compare that to the way most schoolyard football games are played -- give the ball to the kid and he runs it straight up the middle. No grace here or shrewdness, this is just head-tucked-knees-high-full-steam-ahead-force. And sure, it can be pretty effective.

But sometimes this direct confrontation results in yardage gains measured in inches and a weary ball carrier. Possibly even an injured ball carrier. Would those phrases describe your peacemaking plays lately? Yardage in inches? Maybe even some yardage losses? A weariness that's causing you to question even wanting to stay in the game? Or an injury to the heart that's got you sidelined? OK, call a time out, catch your breath, and return to the field as innocent as a dove, but as shrewd as a snake. Stop making every peacemaking attempt a direct confrontation. Start being open to the Coach showing you ways of running plays that you'd never considered before. Wise up - the game is a full four quarters. Do not grow weary in doing good. Do not lose heart. Let go of the idea that showing someone his fault always requires direct confrontation. And hear the Coach say, "Well done!"

An Enemy of Grace (reprinted by permission)

There are many conflicts that require a lot of time and effort to resolve. But there are far more that can be resolved simply by overlooking minor offenses or relinquishing rights for the sake of God's kingdom. Therefore, before focusing on your rights, take a careful look at your responsibilities. Before you go to remove the speck from your brother's eye, ask yourself, "Is this really worth fighting over?"

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 98

Food for Thought

Reflect on this last week and notice the times when a spirit of entitlement rose up in your heart. What is it you really thought you deserved?

There was once a conference leader speaking to a group of pastors. He was sharing how important it was for a church to have a spirit of grace throughout all it does. He posed this question: "What do you think is the most significant threat to that spirit of grace?" Several answers were given, all of them valid. Then someone asked him, "What do you think?" He answered, "A spirit of entitlement."

A lot of conflicts can be resolved by relinquishing rights for the sake of God's kingdom; in other words, setting the spirit of entitlement aside. Ken's right: before focusing on your rights, take a careful look at your responsibilities.