Shame Exposed

When we dig up potatoes, we expose them and take a look at them, looking carefully to recognize the difference between the good ones and the bad ones.  That's what Welch is doing in this next chapter and it begins, ""I suck."  That's what shame says on a good day."

He then goes on to really look at shame, uncovering and putting words to identify the dehumanizing nature of shame.  Shame is a silent killer, has a death wish, worthless, failure seem to be inscribed on our birth certificates, shame says "you are not acceptable.  You are a mistake."  You hear that from others over the years until you make it your own, "I am not acceptable, I am a mistake" and so whenever something goes wrong you believe you are the one at fault, you brought the other person's anger/contempt, being hurt or rejected is your fault, being alive is your fault, being born is your fault, being is your fault. (p. 10)

Shame attaches itself to our humanness and is very common, often hiding in guilt's shadow.  There is a difference between guilt and shame and the Bible talks about shame (nakedness, dishonour, disgrace, defilement) about 10 times more than guilt.  Welch says Guilt lives in the courtroom, where you are responsible for your wrongdoing, and you expect punishment and need forgiveness.  However he describes Shame as living in the community although the community can feel like a courtroom.  The community says "You don't belong--you are unacceptable, unclean and disgraced.  The shamed person feels worthless, expects rejection and needs cleansing, fellowship, love and acceptance (emphasis mine).  It is only through the security of attachment to God/people that cleansing will come.

Welch says that in order to fight shame we first have to face shame and describe it.  "Once out, it will put up a fight.  But there is a path that actually leads away from shame and ends in acceptance and honour.  Otherwise, there would be no point in doing anything beyond trying to live with it." (p. 12)

So Welch continues to describe it by looking at some basics of shame:

• life-dominating and stubborn, squatting in your heart, refusing to leave
• you feel so wrong, but don't know why
• blame always seems to end up at your doorstep
• you still feel the shameful moment as vividly as the day it happened.  Sometimes it even feels worse
• sometimes shame grabs hold of your heart and life because of something that happened to you
• any sexual violation
• unfaithfulness/betrayal by a spouse/close friend/church community
• verbal abuse
• being treated like an object and so experiencing humiliation and shame
• growing up in a home with an insecure attachment -- parent angry, unpredictable, cold, neglectful, rejecting or demeaning
• adopted children can feel different even though adoptive parents love them dearly, they can still hear the message inside their heads, "you were rejected, somebody didn't want you, you are not like everyone else."
• if you're noticeably different - physically, intellectually, financially, mentally
• sometimes shame attaches to you because of what you did or do
• addiction
• homosexuality
• something scandalous according to your community
• victims of sexual violation often report perverted sexual imaginations 
• what do you want to hide?
• sometimes shame is the result of our associations
• something shameful happened in our family - suicide, poverty, public immorality
• you belong to a people group that committed atrocities

This exposing of shame is incredibly hard, but according to Welch since shame is/can be lethal we can't pussyfoot around it.  "Shame will never surrender its power over you if you are tentative about it.  You need to identify it and attack it with hope." (p. 17)

Therefore he summarizes what we know about it:

1. Shame is blended into the present human condition, it is part of being human.
2. Shame can be removed but not by something we do.  There is nothing we can do to get rid of it.  There is only one remedy that can change and transform and it is a journey to discover the remedy and let that remedy wash you all over.
3. Shame is best tackled in the context of relationship.  It is in the womb of attachment that we grow and mature.  Do not allow shame to intimidate you into silence.

"Shame Interrupted" by Ed Welch

This summer I am re-reading this book and so I thought I might post some of my gleanings.

I have experienced shame and in some ways it has been debilitating because I don't feel like talking to others about it, don't want to associate with people from where it originated, don't feel like they want me around.

When I read Welch's work, I recognize his definition for shame - a deep sense that I am unacceptable because of something I did, was done to me or that I was associated with something or someone that was shameful.  I feel exposed and humiliated.  I do not feel invited into someone's presence.  This is also what Gordon Neufeld describes as our primary need.

As humans we need to be attached to someone, to feel invited into their presence. God placed that need to be attached to Him in all of us and created families with parents as the responsible adults, to whom we look for direction to image that.  As long as we are attached to God/other humans, we have the freedom to mature.  Maturity is being adaptive -- we can change because we can't change things around us, it is the healing process and the way our brain normally develops. Maturity is also being integrative - being able to recognize and accept our separate feelings, like a plural whole.  This really reminds me of God as Trinity - 3 persons in one, together without losing their own separateness.  Attachment to God/other people is the secure place from which we mature and grow to be like Christ, grow to be responsible and compassionate people.

Shame breaks that maturation process, causing us to face separation.  When we face separation three powerful emotions are experienced -- frustration, alarm and pursuit of attachment.  Our brain shuts down to protect us which is often a good thing at first, but after awhile it causes us to become stuck there and we don't grow to be the people God/others want us to be.

So shame is real, shame makes you an outcast, shame makes you feel contaminated and shame needs to be put in words.  When we name it, claim it, take up a relationship with it, we can deal with it, work through it and hear God's healing Words.

I'll finish today with the opening words of chapter 2:

What is shame?

You are shunned.
Faces are turned away from you.
They ignore you, as if you don't exist.

You are naked.
Faces are turned toward you.
They stare at you, as if you are hideous.

You are worthless, and it's no secret.
You are of little or no value to those whose opinions matter to you.

Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

I have been reading this book, by Paul David Tripp, in preparation of the MB Reformed Women's Retreat and am feeling so convicted right now.  God's Words about having idols in our hearts has really being hitting me.  Then when I think about where MY heart really is, I almost start to panic.  Is my need for my students, children, spouse, my clients to believe in God, and really get His love and care becoming a MONSTER WANT as Tara Barthel puts it.  At what point does my good desire become a demand, and then I judge them if they do not serve God the way I think they should, and if they do not serve Him the way I think they should do I punish them by ignoring them, or mocking, criticizing?  Wow, sounds like the progression of an idol doesn't it?

Then I start thinking of my own journey as a child of God.  At what point did my serving God just because my parents did, doing the things they taught me just because that's how it's DONE in the Reformed Church, become my own faith?  When did I realize that THERE REALLY IS A GOD!!!  And He loves ME!!!  ME with all my dirt, my conniving, spoiled, me first ways!!!  Is that what it means to be reborn?  When Jesus is teaching Nicodemus (John 3) about having to be born again, is this what He means?  That it's the time when our faith in God is REALLY our own and not just what we think our parents, teachers, pastors want us to believe?

Continuing to read Tripp's book, he talks about fruit stapling.  When an apple tree bears bad fruit year after year, what do we do about it?  Do we go out there with a couple of baskets of good apples, cut off the bad apples and staple the good apples onto the tree?  Sounds pretty silly doesn't it but isn't that what we/I so often do?  When I want God/people to think I'm pretty good, do I say the right words, do the right things, but all the while inside I'm grumbling about everything. Is my heart really right with God?  Because that's the point of Tripp's little stapling story.  If the root is bad the tree will never bear good fruit.  The only way for the root to get better is to nourish it and feed it fertilizer and other good things.  So I guess it's the same with us.  If we don't nourish our hearts with the Word of God, through prayer, Bible reading, personal devotions, church worship to hear God's Word and stay close to other people who are trying to serve Him, then we'll soon dry up and wither.  John 15 tells us about Jesus being the vine and we are the branches.  We need to stay attached to Him so we don't wither.  (Boy, I love the book of John.  I think studying that book may have been one of the turning points in my life, when I realized that GOD IS REALLY REAL, a real AHA moment.)

Ok, I've said enough for today, especially since this may have been one of my first blogs to really say what is on my heart.  If anyone wants to comment or share their AHA moments please do.

2 Fighter Verses this week:

 Ps 91:14-16 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my Name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him, I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."  Wow, what a promise, but what comes first my love for God or His love for me?

1 Pet 4:16 However if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.  Sometimes that feels so hard to do when we are suffering.  Goes back to the above in realizing that we can't praise Him out of ourselves but it is always God working in us that makes us turn to Him.

Fighter Verse this week: Ps 91:9-10

 "If you make the most High your dwelling -- even the LORD, who is my refuge -- then no harm will come near your tent."

 Sounds so simple doesn't it?  Can I really trust this is true?

Fighter Verse for the week: Ps 91:7, 8

 "A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.  You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked."
Wow what a promise.  At times the fear of thousands is so very real I have a hard time remembering this.  The fear of man can be so paralyzing but thankfully God continually reminds me that He is bigger than any man/person.  He is the Almighty and He is my Father.  Thank you LORD!

Ps 91:5-6 Fighter Verse

 "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  When I put these verses with the preceding verses I can really see how God's faithfulness is my shield and rampart against these terrible things.  We had 2 great sermons yesterday showing how God moves us to love Him and obey Him.  Awesome when we start to realize that we don't have to do anything.  It is His love for us that makes us able and willing to respond to Him.  Thank you LORD!!