"Shame Interrupted" by Ed Welch

This summer I am re-reading this book and so I thought I might post some of my gleanings.

I have experienced shame and in some ways it has been debilitating because I don't feel like talking to others about it, don't want to associate with people from where it originated, don't feel like they want me around.

When I read Welch's work, I recognize his definition for shame - a deep sense that I am unacceptable because of something I did, was done to me or that I was associated with something or someone that was shameful.  I feel exposed and humiliated.  I do not feel invited into someone's presence.  This is also what Gordon Neufeld describes as our primary need.

As humans we need to be attached to someone, to feel invited into their presence. God placed that need to be attached to Him in all of us and created families with parents as the responsible adults, to whom we look for direction to image that.  As long as we are attached to God/other humans, we have the freedom to mature.  Maturity is being adaptive -- we can change because we can't change things around us, it is the healing process and the way our brain normally develops. Maturity is also being integrative - being able to recognize and accept our separate feelings, like a plural whole.  This really reminds me of God as Trinity - 3 persons in one, together without losing their own separateness.  Attachment to God/other people is the secure place from which we mature and grow to be like Christ, grow to be responsible and compassionate people.

Shame breaks that maturation process, causing us to face separation.  When we face separation three powerful emotions are experienced -- frustration, alarm and pursuit of attachment.  Our brain shuts down to protect us which is often a good thing at first, but after awhile it causes us to become stuck there and we don't grow to be the people God/others want us to be.

So shame is real, shame makes you an outcast, shame makes you feel contaminated and shame needs to be put in words.  When we name it, claim it, take up a relationship with it, we can deal with it, work through it and hear God's healing Words.

I'll finish today with the opening words of chapter 2:

What is shame?

You are shunned.
Faces are turned away from you.
They ignore you, as if you don't exist.

You are naked.
Faces are turned toward you.
They stare at you, as if you are hideous.

You are worthless, and it's no secret.
You are of little or no value to those whose opinions matter to you.