He then goes on to really look at shame, uncovering and putting words to identify the dehumanizing nature of shame. Shame is a silent killer, has a death wish, worthless, failure seem to be inscribed on our birth certificates, shame says "you are not acceptable. You are a mistake." You hear that from others over the years until you make it your own, "I am not acceptable, I am a mistake" and so whenever something goes wrong you believe you are the one at fault, you brought the other person's anger/contempt, being hurt or rejected is your fault, being alive is your fault, being born is your fault, being is your fault. (p. 10)
Shame attaches itself to our humanness and is very common, often hiding in guilt's shadow. There is a difference between guilt and shame and the Bible talks about shame (nakedness, dishonour, disgrace, defilement) about 10 times more than guilt. Welch says Guilt lives in the courtroom, where you are responsible for your wrongdoing, and you expect punishment and need forgiveness. However he describes Shame as living in the community although the community can feel like a courtroom. The community says "You don't belong--you are unacceptable, unclean and disgraced. The shamed person feels worthless, expects rejection and needs cleansing, fellowship, love and acceptance (emphasis mine). It is only through the security of attachment to God/people that cleansing will come.
Welch says that in order to fight shame we first have to face shame and describe it. "Once out, it will put up a fight. But there is a path that actually leads away from shame and ends in acceptance and honour. Otherwise, there would be no point in doing anything beyond trying to live with it." (p. 12)
So Welch continues to describe it by looking at some basics of shame:
- life-dominating and stubborn, squatting in your heart, refusing to leave
- you feel so wrong, but don't know why
- blame always seems to end up at your doorstep
- you still feel the shameful moment as vividly as the day it happened. Sometimes it even feels worse
- sometimes shame grabs hold of your heart and life because of something that happened to you
- any sexual violation
- unfaithfulness/betrayal by a spouse/close friend/church community
- verbal abuse
- being treated like an object and so experiencing humiliation and shame
- growing up in a home with an insecure attachment -- parent angry, unpredictable, cold, neglectful, rejecting or demeaning
- adopted children can feel different even though adoptive parents love them dearly, they can still hear the message inside their heads, "you were rejected, somebody didn't want you, you are not like everyone else."
- if you're noticeably different - physically, intellectually, financially, mentally
- sometimes shame attaches to you because of what you did or do
- addiction
- homosexuality
- something scandalous according to your community
- victims of sexual violation often report perverted sexual imaginations
- what do you want to hide?
- sometimes shame is the result of our associations
- something shameful happened in our family - suicide, poverty, public immorality
- you belong to a people group that committed atrocities
Therefore he summarizes what we know about it:
- Shame is blended into the present human condition, it is part of being human.
- Shame can be removed but not by something we do. There is nothing we can do to get rid of it. There is only one remedy that can change and transform and it is a journey to discover the remedy and let that remedy wash you all over.
- Shame is best tackled in the context of relationship. It is in the womb of attachment that we grow and mature. Do not allow shame to intimidate you into silence.
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