Ssshhhhh! (reprinted with permission)

He who answers before listening -- that is his folly and his shame.---Proverbs 18:13

Waiting patiently while others talk is a key listening skill. Without this skill, you will often fail to understand the root cause of a conflict, and you may complicate matters with inappropriate reactions.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 166.

Food for Thought

How often are you thinking about what you're going to say while the other person is finishing what they're saying?

This is a hard one, right? But a little bit of discipline can go a long way in the listening department. One suggestion Ken makes is learning to be comfortable with silence. For example, the next time you jump in your car to go somewhere, resist the urge to turn on the radio. Roll down the window (unless it's winter!) and drive in silence. Whether it's two blocks or twenty-seven miles, drive in silence.

Silence… it's not the absence of sound, but the absence of noise. Take the noise away and you'll be amazed at what you can hear. It might be the song of mockingbirds. Or maybe the heart of a significant matter.

Please Break This Rule (reprinted with permission)

When our wrongs are too obvious to ignore, we practice what I call the 40/60 Rule. It goes something like this: "Well, I know I'm not perfect, and I admit I am partially to blame for this problem. I'd say that about 40 percent of the fault is mine. That means 60 percent of the fault is hers. Since she is 20 percent more to blame than I am, she should be the one to ask for forgiveness." I never actually say or think these exact words, but I often catch myself resorting to this tactic in subtle ways. By believing that my sins have been more than cancelled by another's sins, I can divert attention from myself and avoid repentance and confession.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 120.

Food for Thought

Jesus tells the perfect "40/60 Rule" story in Luke 18:10-14. In this passage, Luke says that Jesus addresses the story to those "who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else." This is the story:

"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Next time you're tempted to invoke the 40/60 Rule to minimize your part in a conflict, remember that few subjects raise more disdain in Jesus than moderated mercy or a "righteousness ranking" where we give ourselves an unequivocal first place vote.

Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth (reprinted with permission)

"Even a fool is thought wise…and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:28

Reckless words, spoken hastily and without thinking, inflame many conflicts. "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Prov. 12:18; cf. Prov. 13:3; 17:28; 21:23; 29:20). Although we may seldom set out deliberately to hurt others with our words, sometimes we do not make much of an effort not to hurt others. We simply say what comes to mind without thinking about the consequences. In the process, we may hurt and offend others, which only aggravates conflict.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 121

Food for Thought

What have you said recently without thinking?

The word "reckless" usually conjures up images of someone driving a car with no concern for the people around them. A reckless driver can cause havoc on the highway, putting his or her life, as well as the lives of others, in harm's way. If we spot someone driving recklessly, we usually grab our cell phones and alert the police. But what about someone speaking recklessly?

Simply saying what comes to mind can be looked upon as being authentic and honest. People admire the plain-speak quality and often promote folks who can do it. But it can also be looked upon as not thinking, or reckless. The lives of the one speaking and those hearing then are caught in harm's way. And if you're caught in harm's way, the result is usually some kind of harm. Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.

A Picture of Trust (reprinted with permission)

"Therefore we do not lose heart." 2 Cor. 4:16

Trusting God proved to be the pattern in Paul's life. Even when the Lord did not immediately relieve his sufferings, Paul continued to view everything that happened to him as God's sovereign will (2 Cor. 4:17-18). This doesn't mean that Paul never had doubts or that he never asked God to relieve his suffering (2 Cor. 12:7-8). But when the Lord's response did not match Paul's request, he was willing to believe that God had something better in mind (vv. 9-10).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 67

Food for Thought

Think of the last time the Lord's response did not match your request.

What does trusting God look like? Ken reminds us that it doesn't mean wearing a painted on smile when troubles come and practicing the art of denial when doubts arise. Those verses in 2 Cor. 12 show the apostle Paul "pleading" for God to take the thorn in his flesh away. So, then what does trusting God look like? "But when the Lord's response did not match Paul's request, he was"--what's that next word? That's right--"willing."

Trusting looks like a willingness to believe in God's goodness toward us in the middle of pleadings and tears and sufferings and doubts and questions. Trusting is choosing to believe that God desires the best for us, his children. That's not always easy, but as Paul would attest, it's always worth it!

At Least As Good As Before (reprinted with permission)

Being reconciled does not mean that the person who offended you must now become your closest friend. What it means is that your relationship will be at least as good as it was before the offense occurred. Once that happens, an even better relationship may develop. As God helps you and the other person work through your differences, you may discover a growing respect and appreciation for each other. Moreover, you may uncover common interests and goals that will add a deeper and richer dimension to your friendship.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 219

Food for Thought

When a relationship has been seriously damaged because one person violated another's trust or deeply hurt the other person, how can that relationship be made "at least as good as it was before?"

The first step is to note that biblical reconciliation is not an effort by both parties to "make things exactly as they were before." Clearly, things can never be the same again. However, for Christians, while the relationship will indeed be different on the other side of the offense, it can, by God's grace, be "at least as good"--if not better.

While the repentance of the offending party is key in the reconciliation process, much of the "difference that makes better" does not come from the offending party's repentance at all; in fact, it cannot. To look to the offending party for the fullness of reconciliation can only lead to grossly failed expectations at best and idolatry at worst (as we look for a person to do something that only God can do). Arguably, the most important move in reconciliation is when the offended party moves more deeply toward God and the cross of Christ.

When we, as offended parties, move toward the cross, our view of ourselves changes. Instead of seeing ourselves primarily as offended parties, we come to see ourselves as ones who have offended infinitely but been forgiven infinitely. Out of this identity, we find the resources to imitate God by offering rich and lavish forgiveness to those whose repentance (like ours to God) is weak, feeble, and woefully inadequate.

Universal Idols (reprinted with permission)

"Dear children, keep yourselves from idols." 1 John 5:21

Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshiped by pagan people. But the concept of idolatry is much broader and far more personal than that. An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. In biblical terms, it is something other than God that we set our heart on ... in short, it is something we love and pursue more than God (see Phil. 3:19).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 104

Food for Thought

????

When was the last time you heard a pull-out-the-stops sermon on idols? How about a straight-up-tell-it-like-it-is book on personal idols? What about a conversation over coffee that kinda-sorta-talked about idols? Maybe every once in a while, but for the most part, we don't like to talk about idols. As Ken reminds us, they are always something very personal.

The Food For Thought line above usually has a question of some sort to prompt reflection. This time it has nothing but question marks -- four to be exact. Allow those four question marks to raise this question, "What are four things, besides God, that your heart is set on?" In other words, take time and identify four idols in your life. Not your spouse's life, or your co-worker's, or your neighbor's. Your life. Your idols. What are you depending on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure?

Evil Has A Name (reprinted with permission)

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8)

Satan prefers that we do not recognize his role in our conflicts. As long as we see other people as our only adversaries and focus our attacks on them, we will give no thought to guarding against our most dangerous enemy. Both James and Peter were aware of this danger, and they warn us to actively resist Satan's schemes (James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:9). Paul gives a similar warning, reminding us that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph. 6:12).

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) pp. 50-51

Food for Thought

"There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight."-- C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Who is your most dangerous enemy?

Think about it for a moment. What would you say? Odds are that among both non-Christians and Christians, most of us would answer in terms of flesh and blood; in other words, someone or some group of people. But as Ken reminds us, that's just not the case. Three scriptural authors -- Peter, James and Paul -- all echo the reality that our most dangerous enemy in this life is Satan.

There is an enemy out there and we're basically oblivious to his schemes - we're asleep at the wheel. We just keep on blaming each one another, a.k.a., flesh and blood, for everything that's going on. Ken says it well: Satan prefers that we do not recognize his role in our conflicts.

If we have any intention of living as peacemakers, it's imperative that we live with an awareness of our most dangerous enemy. Now it is true that most of our struggle comes through flesh and blood, but we've got to be self-controlled and alert, remembering that it's not ultimately against flesh and blood that we battle.