If, If, If... (taken from Peacemaker Ministries eletter by permission)

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other...Ephesians 4:32
The best way to ruin a confession is to use words that shift the blame to others or that appear to minimize or excuse your guilt. The most common way to do this is to say, "I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you." The word if ruins this confession, because it implies that you do not know whether or not you did wrong. The message you are communicating is this: "Obviously you're upset about something. I don't know that I have done anything wrong, but just to get you off my back I'll give you a token apology."

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflictby Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 127

Food for Thought

How often does if show up in your confessions?
A great way to ruin your engine on your car? Never, ever change the oil. A sure-fire way to ruin your credit rating? Never, ever pay your bills on time. What about ruining your reputation at work? Never, ever keep your appointments. And the best way to ruin a confession? Each and every time, use the word "if."
Ken reminds us of the power of this little two-letter word. Too many times, it leads to an empty confession. All the words may be right and proper (I'm sorry), but the heart is missing. And anything without a heart is usually dead, good for nothing. The word "confess" means "to agree with" -- you're agreeing that you've done something wrong. If you're not ready to agree, then don't confess. Because that ruins everything.

Even When... God Is... (taken from Peacemaker Ministries eletter)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Certainly, God takes no pleasure in what is hurtful (Ezek. 33:11), and he is never the author of sin (James 1:13-14; I John 1:5). Yet, for his eternal purposes, he sometimes allows suffering and permits unjust acts by men and women whom he decides not to restrain, even though he has the power to do so… Even when sinful and painful things are happening, God is somehow exercising ultimate control and working things out for his good purposes.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 61

Food for Thought

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”


From war and rumors of wars, to politics and politicians, to road rage and playground rage, it is tempting to bow our heads in despair. Hate is strong. The song of peace is mocked. But even when it sounds as if there is no peace, you and I must remember the deeper, truer song of His word. God is in control. And He is working for his good purposes.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1864

Meeting Your Enemy's Deepest Needs

The final principle for responding to a stubborn opponent is described in Romans 12:20-21: "On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Here is the ultimate weapon: deliberate, focused love (cf. Luke 6:27-28; 1 Cor. 13:4-7). Instead of reacting spitefully to those who mistreat you, Jesus wants you to discern their deepest needs and do all you can to meet those needs. Sometimes this will require going to them to show them their faults. At other times there may be a need for mercy and compassion, patience, and words of encouragement. You may even have opportunities to provide material and financial assistance to those who least deserve it or expect it from you.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 253-254

Food for Thought

TV, radio, newspapers--all are overflowing this week with advertisements for "the perfect gift for the one you love this holiday season." But according to Jesus, Christmas is only truly Christmas if our hearts are yearning to give the perfect gift... to our enemies:

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked" (Lk. 6:32-35).

After all, at Christmas, God gave the perfect gift--his son, Jesus--to his enemies--namely, us! So make it a point this Christmas to imitate God by meeting your enemy's deepest need.

Confession Can Resurrect Dead Relationships

This week we wanted to deviate a bit from our normal PeaceMeal routine in order to share a testimony with you from Becky, who recently attended some training in peacemaking:

Due to long-time alcoholism in our family, relationships have been strained for 25 years. I've tried to keep communication open, but the strains have remained. After your weekend teaching, however, I decided to visit my mother immediately. What the Lord did is truly a miracle!
There was a sense of urgency, knowing I wasn't going to be there long. While sitting with my ailing 86-year-old mother, I was able to acknowledge my awareness of relationship strain for many years, and to ask her to tell me what she sees as my contribution to it so that I might make it right.

After her shock subsided, she proceeded to tell me! In the past she railed at me for any number of things and didn't allow dialogue, resulting in my being hurt and learning to clam up. So I'd learned to keep it superficial and not "rock the boat." This time, however, after I asked the question, her reply was so different. She included specifics (almost a life-time's worth!) but we were able to discuss them, including some for which I was responsible and able to ask her forgiveness.

But it didn't stop there. Throughout that day and the next, she asked questions: "What is the gospel?" "What will happen when I die?" "What is grace?" "I've made so many mistakes, how can you be sure you'll be in heaven?" When my brother arrived at 7am Wednesday to take me to the airport, he found my mom and me crying together as she told me she didn't want me to leave. I've never heard her say that before! She's called twice in the 12 days since I've been home, after not calling me once in the previous several years! I had a similar conversation with my brother on the way to the airport, and he and I were also reconciled. What a gracious God we have!

Food for Thought

Do you have any relationships like Becky's? We hope you will be inspired by Becky’s example, especially during the holiday season when you may bump into relatives or old friends who may be estranged from both you and God. Instead of pretending everything’s OK, why not admit that something is not right between you, and some of it is your fault.

As you humble yourself, listen to their concerns, and confess your past wrongs, the Lord may soften others’ hearts as he did Becky’s mother and brother, and open the way for you to share what Christmas is really about … God reconciling people to each other and to himself through his dearly loved Son.

Empty Gifts

"…forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Eph. 4:32

I could see the weariness in his face. "I'm sure both of you are in terrible pain, Rick. But I don't think divorce is going to end it. You'll just trade one kind of pain for another. There is a way to keep your marriage together and to truly put the past behind you. But you won't find it with the empty forgiveness you've offered Pam."

"What do you mean, 'empty forgiveness'?"

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 202

Food for Thought
Does your forgiveness promise a lot but deliver a little?

"Black Friday" and "Cyber Monday" are both in the past, and many of us have gotten a jump on our Christmas shopping. Now that you've worked so hard to find a gift for a loved one, would you neglect to actually include it in the box when you give it to him or her?

Empty forgiveness. What if we confessed a serious sin to God and He said, "I forgive you…but I can't be close to you, ever again?" We'd probably have a very strong reaction to that, countering with something like, "Well, that's just empty forgiveness!" And it is. It's not how God acts. But that's how we act sometimes.

Consider for a moment those times this past year where it looked like you gave the gift of forgiveness; however, once the person opened it, they found the box was empty. For whatever reason(s), you've withheld intimacy or friendship, and you've just traded one kind of pain for another. As you head into the Christmas season, make sure the gift of forgiveness is more than a bright covering of wrapping and bows with nothing inside. Instead, by God's grace, make your gifts jam-packed with true forgiveness, modeling the forgiveness that you have received from God in Christ (Eph. 4:32).