Christian Counselling Awareness Month

February 2016 is the month that counselling and psychology from a Christian faith perspective is being highlighted in towns and cities across the country. Many individuals have experienced the benefits that counselling brings, but for others there is still a stigma attached in seeking help through counselling. Christian counselling in particular is sometimes misunderstood. So what is counselling? What are the hallmarks of Christian counselling? And what is a Christian counsellor?

Counselling provides a confidential setting in which an individual, couple or family can explore any challenges they experience in their emotional, mental or spiritual lives. This takes place with a trained professional who works collaboratively and respectfully with clients. The counsellor directs the conversation and provides tools and understanding in such a way that clients gain hope and experience positive change as they work toward achieving their goals. Some of the topics discussed include the following
issues: stress; anxiety; depression; addictions; trauma; grief; relationship or family issues; etc.

Christian counsellors are held to the same high standards of
professionalism, competence, respect for clients, continuing education, and ethical standards as secular counsellors. However, Christian counsellors additionally hold a Christian faith perspective. Therapy is therefore based on biblical principles and integrates psychology.

Christian counsellors also counsel from a holistic perspective,
acknowledging the spiritual aspect of client’s lives. They respect whatever faith tradition clients may or may not come from, and will not impose their personal beliefs on clients. Christian counsellors are also willing to incorporate a Christian faith and or prayer into the counselling sessions if requested by the client.

A good place to find hope and to begin your journey of change is:
www.paccp.ca

Forgive Like Edison, or Better Yet, Jesus

Thomas Edison never claimed to be a Christian, but he did a better job of demonstrating forgiveness than many believers do.

When Edison and his staff were developing the incandescent light bulb, it took twenty-four hours to manufacture a single bulb. One day he handed a new bulb to a young errand boy and asked him to take it upstairs to the testing room.

As the boy turned and started up the stairs, he stumbled and fell, and the bulb shattered on the steps. Instead of rebuking the boy, Edison reassured him and then turned to his staff and told them to start working on another bulb.

When it was completed a day later, Edison demonstrated the reality of his forgiveness in the most powerful way possible. He walked over to the same boy, handed him the bulb, and said, “Take this up to the testing room.”

Imagine how that boy must have felt.

He knew that he didn’t deserve to be trusted with this responsibility again. Yet, here it was, being offered to him as though nothing had ever happened. Nothing could have restored this boy to the team more quickly, more convincingly, or more fully.

Are You Being Outwitted by Satan?

How much more should those of us who have experienced reconciliation through Christ be quick to use visible, personal actions to demonstrate forgiveness and restoration!

This is what the Apostle Paul taught the Corinthians after they had disciplined a member of their church. When Paul learned of this man’s prolonged censure, he exhorted the elders to immediately and publicly forgive and restore him:

This punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him … so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs (2 Cor. 2:6-11).

The word translated as “reaffirm” in this passage means “to make valid, ratify, or impart authority or influence.” Thus Paul was instructing the elders of the Corinthian church to formally declare with explicit words and visible actions that this repentant brother’s sins were forgiven and that he was to be fully restored to body life.

Paul adds a sense of urgency to this teaching by reminding the Corinthians that Satan is always looking for ways to outwit the church by playing on strained relationships.

Sadly, both then and today, individual Christians and entire churches often play right into our enemy’s hands. Wanting to look spiritual, we say we forgive others, but all too often we don’t follow up with actions that demonstrate a desire for a genuinely restored relationship.

Instead, we hold others at a distance, either out of insensitivity or to continue their punishment or to force them to prove their repentance or earn our forgiveness. Before long, many of them give up hope of genuine reconciliation and drift away, giving Satan the satisfaction of another fractured Christian relationship that discredits the gospel (John 13:34-35).

Forgive Like Jesus

Edison’s example of forgiveness is admirable, but Jesus far outshines him, not only in the transcendent, eternal price and impact of the gospel but also in very practical, personal ways.

In perhaps the best known parable Jesus taught, the prodigal son’s father runs eagerly toward his boy at the first sign of repentance, throws his arms around him, and lavishes him with every visible sign he can think of—hugs, kisses, robe, ring, fattened calf, community banquet—to publicly prove and proclaim their fully restored relationship (Luke 15:20-24).

In a far more astonishing and personal example, Jesus publicly restored Peter (who had denied Jesus three times at his most desperate hour) by reaffirming his apostolic position and special calling to lead the building of the church (John 21:15-17).

These examples, parables, and commands give us a clear path to follow.

So the next time you have the opportunity to forgive someone who has repented of a wrong, look him in the eye and with genuine warmth and love speak these hope-giving words, “I forgive you.”

And then back up your words with actions.

Whether you embrace or shake a hand, offer a material gift (robe or ring), host a family meal or public celebration (fattened calf), or publicly reaffirm someone’s gifting and calling (light bulb or ministry), make every effort to restore the relationship in a way that fulfills God’s command to “forgive each other just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).

– Ken Sande

Reflection Questions

• Have you ever been estranged from a person or group that refused to be genuinely reconciled with you? How did it feel? How did you respond?
• Why is it that Christians often fail to carry out this crucial restoring process?
• Why are many non-Christians more forgiving than those who claim to trust in Jesus? (see Common Grace: Exploring Relationships with Non-Christians)
• How does a right understanding of the gospel provide the motivation, pattern, and power to genuinely restore broken relationships?
• How can making and keeping the “Four Promises of Forgiveness” help to restore a relationship?
• Is there a repentant person you’ve been holding at a distance, either deliberately or simply because you were insensitive to their desire for reconciliation? Go to that person today and imitate the restoring love of Christ with concrete and visible actions.
• See this excerpt from The Peacemaker for guidance on the related concepts of confession, repentance, discipline and accountability, restitution, and protecting others from unrepentant people.

Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.

© 2015 Ken Sande

Penetrating Barriers

Megan had switched on a force field that put the Starship Enterprise to shame.

It had been another one of our difficult home-schooling days. Our then ten-year-old daughter was once again trying to control her younger brother. He resentfully pushed back, indicating he didn’t need a second mother. Corlette tried to suppress their bickering, but before long her teaching schedule was in shambles.

As I listened to their verbal sparring from another room, I realized that Megan was the major culprit that day. Playing the role of school principal, I took her into an adjacent bedroom to talk. As I sat down on the bed, she lay down on the floor at my feet, propping her head against a nightstand. She crossed her arms, and her body went rigid.

I could almost see the force field she had erected to fend off the impending lecture. Sensing another futile engagement, I silently prayed, “God, please help me figure out how to get through to her.”

A new approach came to mind. I gently asked her, “Megan, if Jesus were here, what do you think he would say to you?”

“Stop controlling your brother!” she sneered. She knew exactly what kind of lecture I would normally give at a time like this. But I was already on a different track.

“Well, he might get around to that eventually,” I responded, “but there’s something much more important he would say to you first.” I paused for a few moments to let her emotions cool.

“If Jesus were here right now, I think he would say this.” (Scriptures added for the benefit of the reader.)

Megan, I love you. I love you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you so much that before the world even began, I looked down through time and saw you, and I said, “You are mine.” (Eph. 1:4-6)

And then I made this beautiful world, with oceans and trees, and puppies and flowers … all the things I knew you would enjoy. At just the right time, I brought you into this world. I made you exactly the way I wanted you, with all your special gifts and senses to enjoy my creation. And I adopted you into this particular family, because I knew you’d be loved here, and you’d learn about my love for you. (Gen. 1:1-31; Ps. 139:13-16; Matt. 10:29-30)

But I also knew that you would have arguments with your family and you would struggle with sin. I knew that those sins would ruin your life and separate you from me for eternity. I didn’t want that … because I love you. (James 4:1-2; Eph. 2:12)

So two thousand years ago, I came down to earth as a baby. I grew up and lived a perfect life, so I could give you my spotless record. I then went up on a cross to die for all of your sins, including the ones you committed a few minutes ago in your classroom. (Luke 2:4-7; 1Cor. 15:3-4)

When my Father brought me back to life, I opened the way for you to have a new life, too, to put off your sins and to love the people around you the way I love you. (Rom. 6:5-7; Eph. 4:20-24)

And because I love you, Megan, someday I’m going to come back and get you. I’m going to take you to be with me in heaven, where you can enjoy a perfect relationship with me and with your family and friends forever and ever. (John 3:16; 1 Thess. 4:16-18)

As I paraphrased the unfolding of the gospel from Genesis to Revelation, my daughter visibly relaxed. The force field was coming down. So I closed with these words.

“Megan, this is what I would add as your daddy: ‘I love you too, because God has filled my heart with his love for you. And no matter what you do, I will always forgive you and will never stop loving you.’”

At that, the force field collapsed completely. Megan got up off the floor, lay down with her head resting on my lap, and said, “Daddy, please pray for me. I hate it when I control Jeff and make Mommy mad. Please ask Jesus to take away my sin.”

I could have lectured my daughter for an hour without ever penetrating that force field … as many futile conversations had proved. Yes, discipline is sometimes necessary. Yet all the Law can do is to expose and restrain sin; it does not have the power to change the heart.

But the gospel—the good news of how God has loved and saved us through the death and resurrection of his precious Son—is a force so powerful that it can penetrate the strongest of barriers. Not only with a child (at 21, Megan still relaxes when I bring her the gospel), but also with an irritated spouse, a discouraged friend, or a defensive co-worker.

It may not happen as quickly as it did with my daughter that day. But over time, when the gospel is shared and modeled again and again, it has the power to soften the hardest of hearts. As Romans 2:4 reminds us,

“God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance.”

-Ken Sande

Reflection Questions (Most effective when shared with a friend; James 1:22-25)

• When people have offended us, why are we so inclined to lecture them on what they’ve done wrong and what they need to do to make things right?
• Do you see the gospel only as a ticket to heaven, or as good news we can share repeatedly to remind ourselves and others that God wants to free us more and more every day from the sins that damage our relationships (2 Cor. 3:18)?
• How does the transforming power of the gospel give you hope today? (2 Pet. 1:5-8; Eph. 4:20-24)
• Who could you encourage today by sharing this good news with them? (Rom. 1:16-17)

Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.

© 2013 Ken Sande

Get this from a friend? Subscribe now!

Another great post on RW by Ken Sande

Papa, Clean Me!

When he was two-and-half-years-old, my grandson, Andrew, came across a fresh pile of dog poo in the yard. Having been told repeatedly to stay away from dog piles, he of course felt an irresistible desire to step on it and squish it around.

Not liking the odor, he walked across the lawn trying to scrape his shoes clean. When the grass failed to do the job, he headed for the patio and skidded across the concrete, leaving a trail of “muddy” footprints.

Glancing out the window, I noticed his strange movements. When I opened the door, I was greeted by a terrible smell, a sad little face, and the plaintive words, “Papa, clean me!”

Overcoming my impulse to chastise this smelly little boy, I instead knelt down and pulled his shoes off his feet, telling him, “Papa will get you clean, Drew.” We then grabbed the hose and began to spray away the evidence of his latest adventure.

As we finished the job, Drew rewarded my efforts with a glowing smile and a simple but priceless confession. “I sorry for mess, Papa. Thank you clean me.”

As I reflected on this episode a few minutes later, I found myself driven to prayer.

“Oh God, I do the same thing Drew did. Whenever I say or do things I know I shouldn’t, I make such a mess. And when I try to conceal my wrongs or fix them myself, I only make them worse.”

“But you are so gracious. You don’t condemn or shame me, or rub my face in my sin. All I need to say is, “God, please help me.” And then without rebuke, you cover me with your mercy and forgiveness, washing away the stain of my sin.”

“Help me to come to you more like Drew came to me. Humble, without excusing or blaming. Simply admitting my need and depending utterly on you as the only one who can clean and change me.”

“And please, God, make me more like you. Slow to criticize. Safe to approach. Eager to forgive. Glad to cover and wash away the wrongs of others.”

After I prayed, I realized that God had just given me another little lesson in relational wisdom: other-awareness (seeing Drew’s need and responding with kindness), self-awareness (seeing myself more accurately and seeking to change), and God-awareness (seeing God’s grace and discipline a little more clearly and praying that he would make me more like him).

RW seldom grows by leaps and bounds. Instead, God seems pleased to use the little things in life—even the little people in life—to help us grow bit by bit, if only we will open our eyes to his lessons.

– Ken Sande

Reflection Questions:

• When is the last time you made a mess out of a relationship? Was it purely accidental, or did you do or say something you knew you shouldn’t? Did your attempt to deal with the mess make the situation better or worse?
• Think of someone who treated you far more graciously than you deserved. What had you done? What did the other person do? How did that person’s actions impact you?
• Meditate on passages that describe how graciously and completely God cleanses you when you turn to him and seek his forgiveness (e.g., Ezek. 36:25-27; Ps. 51:7; Ps. 103:8-13). Praise God for his mercy and kindness.
• How can you imitate God today by “washing away” the wrong of someone else?

© 2015 Ken Sande

Would you like to receive future posts like this? Subscribe now!

By Ken Sande|November 8th, 2015|Categories: Home Page, RW Blog|0 Comments

Manitoba Reformed Women’s Retreat Jan 22, 23, 2016

Delight yourself in the LORD, for His steadfast love endures forever.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lam 3:22, 23

Together, as sisters in the faith, we hope to overcome our daily struggles as we learn about God’s grace and His faithfulness. During these two days we hope to enjoy sisterly fellowship and study with Tara Barthel as keynote speaker. Tara will be teaching about how we may have great success in leading and serving others, but something is off—we respond to pressure, exhaustion, and disappointment in ways that leave a guilty stain. It is only when we see how God gives us everything we need for lasting growth in grace that we can deal with this guilty stain.

The cost for these 2 days is $125.00 which includes meals, snacks and some camp activities such as as X-country skiing, snowshoeing, archery, skating, and /or floor hockey. If you do not wish to stay overnight there will be a daily cost of $75.00 for Friday and $50.00 for Saturday

Please register by Jan 6, 2016 to secure your spot and you can do this by emailing Charlotte Kamminga at dandckam@gmail.com with the following information: name, phone number, email address, whether 2-day ($125) or daily ($75 Friday, $50 Saturday), and any food allergies/intolerances. Once you find your total please send a cheque, payable to Reformed Women’s Retreat, ASAP to Charlotte Kamminga.

New office space

I will now be meeting my Winnipeg clients on Mondays at 3527 Pembina Highway, which is just south of the perimeter in St. Norbert.  See you there!!

The Empathy of a Dog

Dawson

I recently asked my wife who demonstrates empathy more consistently: me or our dog, Dawson. Without hesitation she said, “Dawson.”

She gently added, “There are times when you show wonderful empathy. But there are other times when you seem clueless about my feelings or you just jump to counseling me. But Dawson picks up on my feelings flawlessly, and when I’m down, he never fails to comfort me.”

Ouch! It looks like I need to take empathy lessons from my dog.

Dogs Are Wired for Empathy

Once I got past my initial embarrassment, I went online to find out if there’s scientific evidence to support Corlette’s unflattering comparison. Surprisingly, there is.

A recent study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) shows that canine and human brains process emotionally-loaded sounds in similar ways (Link1).

In another test where a stranger made distressing sounds, most dogs walked to the person to nuzzle and lick him, which is the canine version of “there there” (see Link2, Link3).

Dogs also watch people closely and pick up on subtle physical cues. Particularly sensitive dogs are used for emotional therapy for distressed children, and some dogs can actually smell chemical changes in the human body and warn people who are about to experience a seizure (Link4).

We don’t understand all of the neurological dynamics that God has built into dogs (and into people) to trigger these types of comforting behaviors. But one thing seems clear: the world would be a better place if more husbands (as well as wives, teens, pastors and bosses) raised their emotional sensitivity at least to the level of our canine friends.

Let’s Grow Together

I’ve already secured twelve months of personal empathy coaching from Dawson (he has no idea how little a box of dog treats costs!). To aid those who want to join me on this journey of personal growth, I’m going to write several blog posts that focus on developing empathy as well as its more active cousin, compassion. Among other things, we’ll be looking at these issues:

• What is the ultimate biblical mandate, motive, and model for empathy and compassion?
• What are some of the neurological dynamics that drive empathy and compassion?
• Can emotionally clueless people really change?
• What are some practical ways to develop empathy and compassion?
• How early can you begin teaching empathy to a child? (Hint: it’s the same age that some people say children become “terrible”)
• How can you teach empathy to children and increase the likelihood that they will grow to imitate the compassion of Christ?

To prepare you for our coming study, I’ll define two key terms and then give you a few questions to ponder in the coming week. First the definitions:

• Empathy is generally defined as the ability to discern and vicariously experience the thoughts and feelings of another person, or more simply, to feel what others feel.
• Compassion, which literally means “to suffer together,” is a deep concern for another person who is suffering, accompanied by a strong desire and concrete action to alleviate that suffering.

Now the Questions:

1. In the movie Marley and Me (based on a true story), Jenny Grogan has a miscarriage. Her husband, John, is grieved by their loss as well, but doesn’t know how to comfort her. When they arrive home from the hospital, Jenny sits silently in their living room, with all her grief bottled up inside. Their dog, Marley, comes over and simply puts his head into her lap. Jenny wraps her arms around his neck and overflows with sobbing and tears. What did Marley understand that John didn’t? Did Marley show empathy or compassion?
2. Is it biblically valid for humans to learn character qualities from an animal? (see Proverbs 6:6-11; 30:24-25)
3. Why should a Christian invest significant effort in developing empathy and compassion? (see Psalm 103:13; Matthew 14:14; Ephesians 5:1; Romans 12:15; Colossians 3:12; 1 Peter 3:8).
4. Watch this short clip from Marley and Me with pen and paper in hand, and write down all of the thoughts and emotions John and Jenny seem to experience as they interact with their dog. (A key step in developing empathy is to learn how to read the facial expressions and body language of others and imagine what they are experiencing, thinking, and feeling.)

If the video screen does not appear, click here.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll consider all of these questions and issues, and, by God’s grace, improve our ability to exercise the empathy and compassion that God designed us to show toward other people.

- Ken Sande

Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.

© 2014 Ken Sande